All The Pieces of Me

2 years ago this past May, I wrote my last blog post on "Lisa In Paradise." I didn't want to quit, I just didn't know where to pick up all my pieces and start again.

My life flipped it's self over a million times and my core beliefs shattered into a million pieces.

My first big change came when my mom and step-father were on their way to a friends wedding, 2 hours north of Middle-of-Nowhere-Idaho, to even further into Middle-of-Nowhere-Idaho.

This would be where I got a phone call letting me know they had been in a very bad accident. That my step father had been life flighted, my mom was on here way to a hospital in Boise.

Jerret and I threw bags together and left that night to Boise. We got there around 2 or 3 am. I went to my mom, Jerret and they boys spent the rest of the night sleeping in the car.

It's kind of a blur from there.

My mom and Peter were so beat up. We knew the challenges would be great. My mom spent an entire month in the hospital, most of that being in ICU.

And when that happens, how do you go on blogging like everything is normal? Yet the accident was still so fresh and was still an ordeal, and I didn't want to blog about that either.

Then the next big thing hit. And even with the intensiveness of the accident, this one rocked my world even more, in a very personal manner, in a way I could never imagine.

It was just another Sunday.
I went to church. I taught the children in Sharing Time.
I came home, a conversation with my husband led me to an Ensign article that forever changed my belief's. It led me to more and more information.
It was an opening into a rabbit hole. It swallowed me whole.
With in 48 hours I knew I no longer believed the church I had grown up in. The one I had dedicated my life to, brought my own children up in. It was no longer a religion I believed in.
And the snowball kept going.

As I tried to come to terms with what this meant to me, my marriage, my children, our extended families, I couldn't blog.

I spent 6 weeks trying to come to terms with my calling in the church.
I put on my garments every Sunday and bawled. I felt like a fraud.
I tried to convince myself that it was okay. Focus on the good things the church offered, but each and every day the facade felt more and more harmful and took more and more of a toll on my soul.
I wrote the Primary Program during this time.
I could not in good conscience in anyway include anything about the prophet(s), past or present.
So I instead focused on what I did still believe, "I am a child of God."

I sat in a presidency meeting and was praised for writing something so inspired, told how strong the spirit was, and again I felt like a fraud. It also confirmed to me what I had recently discovered to be true. Feelings aren't the same as truth. 

Feelings can be manipulated. 

Truth and belief are not synonymous.

Jerret sent me this song one day, when I was still trying to get up the guts to resign from my church calling.

Brave

You can be amazing
You can turn a phrase into a weapon or a drug
You can be the outcast
Or be the backlash of somebody's lack of love
Or you can start speaking up
Nothing's gonna hurt you the way that words do
And they settle 'neath your skin
Kept on the inside and no sunlight
Sometimes a shadow wins
But I wonder what would happen if you

Say what you wanna say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave

With what you want to say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave

I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I wanna see you be brave

I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I wanna see you be brave

Everybody's been there, everybody's been stared down
By the enemy
Fallen for the fear and done some disappearing
Bow down to the mighty
Don't run, stop holding your tongue
Maybe there's a way out of the cage where you live
Maybe one of these days you can let the light in
Show me how big your brave is

Say what you wanna say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave

With what you want to say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave

Innocence, your history of silence
Won't do you any good
Did you think it would?
Let your words be anything but empty
Why don't you tell them the truth?

Say what you wanna say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave

With what you want to say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave

I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I wanna see you be brave

I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
See you be brave

I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you

I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you

I finally made that hard call, and had one of the nicest men I've ever known wish me well and tell me he hoped to still see me at church, and I continued my new path.

But I couldn't blog it.

I got a little more brave on facebook, created groups that made it were my previous ward members and husbands family couldn't see it. And started dropping bombs.

I have read and studied so intensely. I admit it was hard when I would share something that echoed my feelings so strongly, then be accused of "not using my own words."

I took on things I should have left alone. I would like to say I am 100% past that, but I don't know if I ever will be. It's really hard to keep your mouth shut when you feel a moral obligation to open it.

I put myself out there in ways that no doubt made people I love dearly uncomfortable, but it also helped others who were going through the same thing feel like they had a safe place with me.
I really have tried hard to accept that my path does not have to be yours, even when my personal view can make that really hard!

I've had well intended, but very hurtful things said to me.

And I didn't know how to go about my blog, just being me. My pieces were everywhere.

I am forever changed. No matter how hard you pray for me, the train has left the station. I won't ever be that girl you once knew.

I am okay with that. I like me. I actually think I am pretty darn awesome and brave.  I like my new view of life.
Life is beautiful, it is precious, it is a kick in the pants and yet totally amazing. It comes and then it is gone.

You can believe what you want about what comes next, those thoughts of life eternal might bring you comfort. For me the joy is in the today, in this moment, the only one I know for certainty that I have.

And I want to blog about it again dang it!

I don't want to waste my moments and I don't want them to be forgotten.

Carpe diem. 

This is the moment I have. I will cherish it. I am back to blogging, on a fresh new blog.
I am ready to shine as the mother, wife, sister, daughter, friend, and woman I now am.

I won't be sanitizing my words.

Sometimes ,my words might rub you the wrong way. They may not sit well with your own beliefs and that's okay. Your journey is your own, mine is mine.

I will do my best to love all the pieces of you, just as you are continuing to love all the pieces of me.